Morning Ritual (aka, Daily Affirmation I Suck At Being a Human)

Every day I am tested. And some days this comes in the form of a cranky coworker. Most days this comes in the form of shitty drivers. But nearly every day this is a simple test conducted in the first hour of my morning.

This is the bagel test.



This tests how capable I, a human 33 years-old, who has been making bagels in the broiler for nearly a year now since my toaster crapped out, can toast a bagel without scorching it to high holy heaven.

And nearly 70% of the time I fail. 

Stages of Bagelness in this household:
1. BURNED TO SHIT, YOU MORON.
2. Get a new one. Try again, idiot.
3. WINNING AT AT LEAST ONE THING IN LIFE. Losing at all the rest. 

The game is simple. Turn on broiler. Cut a bagel. Put bagel in pan in broiler. Wait 2 minutes. Pull lightly toasted bagel out. Slather cream cheese. Eat.

In reality, this is how it goes: Turn on broiler. Search for clean knife. Rummage for appropriate knife so-as not to slice one's hand in half. Decide to rinse dirty knife off. Pray boyfriend doesn't find out how disgusting I am. Cut bagel. Look for pan to put bagel in. Pan is also dirty. Open hot broiler, pull out shelf, place bagel directly on broiler. Push shelf back in. TRY TO STAND THERE FOR TWO MINUTES, ASSHOLE. Oh, wait, I need to look at puppies/kitties/check my facebook/gmail/tumblr/mail/find a cure for cancer....FIVE MINUTES HAVE PASSED. Run to broiler, open broiler, burning finger, pull out two lumps of coal you've actually created. Get knife, attempt to scrape off black bits. Say fuck'it. Get new bagel. This time, repeat but stand by broiler and check every 10 seconds. Decide to eat under-toasted bagel. Slather with too much or too little cream cheese because I'm overly excited to have cream cheese and/or have run out of cream cheese. Eat bagel feeling sense of uselessness and/or incapability to be a human who understands the concept of time,

"Set a timer!" you say, oh foolish one. But that would be too easy. Where is the risk and the "life on the edge" of that one?

"Check on it!" you say. But that's hard to do when you suddenly remember that you have to search the interwebs and get sucked down a rabbit hole.

I mean, this is not rocket science. In fact, they should have astronauts do this test, to see if they understand the concept of time.

I'M THIRTY THREE. HOW CAN I STILL NOT COMPREHEND WHAT THE LENGTH OF TWO MINUTES FEELS LIKE.

Also, the bagel to cream cheese ratio. I'm not talking ON the bagel. Everyone knows there needs to be slathering happening and if you aren't SLATHERING that shit on top, then you're failing at this test once again. 

I'm talking about the bagels purchased to cream cheese purchased ratio. Why can't I ever get this right either? Thirteen bagels = Two cream cheeses? Three? Small tubs or large?

There are probably 3 more bagels left in the fridge and I just used the last of the cream cheese.

Doesn't matter. There will always be two bagels left and no more cream cheese.

So then I buy more cream cheese. And then I have to buy more bagels.

It's a vicious loop. Do they do this on purpose? Just like those damn hot dog and bun guys? I'm certain it's a conspiracy to keep the purchasing loop going.

Well, I'm off to eat my scorched crater of a bagel, shellacked in the last of the cream cheese. 

Don't worry, there's another bagel in the fridge. SIGH. 

Sick Day (Complete with Baked Goods!)

I stayed home from work today because I had what can only be described as a wuss's migraine. I say wuss's because it certainly wasn't what happens to Nick (he gets chronic migraine with aura), but I couldn't be near sunlight, loud noises, or really vertical for about 5 hours after I'd slept 11 hours. The pain is above my left eyebrow and makes me keep that eye shut, wincing in pain. Strange thing, I haven't had a drink since Sunday so it certainly wasn't a hangover. I blame work stress and go-go-going with no real downtime, I guess. Oh and that hella salty dinner I made last night.

Looky.

So, after I laid on the couch in pain for most of the day, I took three fast-acting aspirin thingies. (I know. I worked for pharma. I know better than to take the recommended daily dose, but...sometimes...when your face doesn't work because you're in so much pain....come on. I'll risk stomach lining once for that.) Anyway, I was able to get some stuff done today.

Despite feeling like there's a gremlin in my eye socket, I've checked in on work quite a bit, done the dishes, tossed out a bunch of nasty food that NEEDED to go, installed a make-do tie-back for my curtains, swept the house, cleaned the toilet, sorted laundry (but I'm too lazy to actually DO laundry), done the litter boxes, read the mail, balanced my budget, made homemade Kind bars (sea salt and chocolate), and am getting ready to go to the gym. I wish every day could be like this. Does that mean I want to be a housewife? I'm sure I would go nuts after a few days, but it was a welcome, albeit initially painful, day home.

((Now as I write this, the headache is coming back. I'm cursed!))

Back to those bars. I'm suddenly obsessed with salt and sweet together. My mid-30s are turning me into a stereotypical woman in commercials. BUT LOOK AT THEM.

LOOK AT THEM, I SAY.

JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THEM.

I would probably wrestle one of these from a small child, they're THAT good. Want the recipe--I loosely used this as a start with about 5X as much salt, because, well, mid-30s-hormonal-woman here.

Yep. Hormonal. Because I have a race this Saturday, and MAGICALLY my period SOMEHOW comes the day I have a race EVERY FUCKING RACE. Yes, I know, you're saying, it's every 28 days, that can't be possible. OH BUT IT IS. Half Marathon Sept 7, 2013? Period. Shamrock Shuffle March 30,2014? Period. (End of, but still.) Ten miler April 19, 2014? PERIOD.

So I'll be over here eating fudge, popcorn, olives, candy, ice cream, and a bag of sea salt.

Nonetheless, I'm attempting to slow things down as summer is quickly approaching and I'm broker than broke. I have a big trip planned to see my VERY preggers sister in NYC. I'm so happy for her. She is nearly to term and my nephew Cavan will be born any day now. I can't wait to pinch his widdle feetsies!!! I'm going out May 17-27 and then we're driving her home after she moves onto bigger and better things in the midwest. 

Somehow by May I need to ramp up my running to 12 miles, buy a $400-600 bike, raise another $400 for T2EA, and save $350 for my trip!!! So if you know anyone who needs to buy my random shit or blood or body, please donate here......

Peace out dudes!