Thursday, November 27, 2014

Don't do it: a test of willpower.

It's the first major holiday since He and I broke up. I'm holding up, but the images of families all around me makes me sad. I wanted to sit across from Him and tell Him how thankful I am that He's my best friend and partner, but instead I'm wine drunk on shitty $4/bottle wine at my sister's sleeping in a guest room alone. I should be snuggled up next to Him, expressing my gratitude for our togetherness and partnership.

Again, most days I somehow find solace in knowing that I can't make someone want what they don't want and that this is best for me. But on days when togetherness is emphasized, no matter how much family, parental, sibling, or nephew love I feel, it's not up to snuff. 

So I'll resist the urge to drunk text to make sure he didn't spend the holiday alone. I'll resist the urge to make sure he's okay. It's all I've known or cared about for many years now. 

God it's just so hard to break a heart full of habits. 


Monday, November 24, 2014

Get up!

I can't seem to get up today. I've worked a bit over the weekend, but I just feel run ragged. The next week won't help either. Thanksgiving driving to and from Indiana (or taking the train if it snows because my back tires are bald), running a 5k with my brother and sister Thirsday morning in predicted sub-20-degree weather, eventually getting home to spend some downtime cleaning, purging, applying to jobs in Seattle. All I want to do is sleep and lie in my bed. 

This will be the first major holiday without Him. Not sure how to feel about it. Still a bit detached and unable to accept the reality of it. My friends have been so supportive. And so far, two out of three who have been interviewing have been offered jobs. I'm certain the last one will also. He's just waiting to hear. 

And I've barely even applied! I know I'm grieving and I know I should give myself grace, but it's time to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get moving. I need to focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. 

And that can only happen once I get out of bed. *sigh*

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

#operationgetyourshittogether

The new TVOTR album, "Seeds" came out today. I've been waiting forever for it. I'm so happy about it, I can't stop streaming it nonstop.

"Seeds" album by TV On the Radio on Spotify

It is so good that it almost makes me forget that I am miserable and brokenhearted.

Almost.

But #operationgetyourshittogether started today. So I'm laying off the sauce, waking up and exercising, and applying to jobs in Seattle more now. It's almost been a month. He isn't coming back. So I need to move forward.

And to stop helping Nabisco make so much goddamn money. Seriously. What is wrong with me? It's like all I want are salty crackers and wine.....which is how I've gained 5 LBS. FIVE FUCKING POUNDS.

Now I have to burn that shit off and get skinny and move west and get an amazing job and maybe adopt a baby before I'm 40. BOOM. PLANNED.

#operationgetyoshittogether

6am wake up and eat
630am gym
745am shower
830am leave for work
9am work
10am snack
12pm lunch
3pm snack
530pm leave work
7pm eat
8pm work on resume/job app
9pm bed

Stop hitting snooze
Drink one thing of water a day
Eat breakfast
No eating after 9pm
Never skip two workout days
Apply to three Seattle jobs/week
Clean eating 1 day on/6 off, 2 on/ 5 off, 3 on/4 off, .....6 on/1 off

Get skinny and healthy
Get energy
Get a new job
Get to Seattle


Now to work on the accomplishing....

Monday, November 17, 2014

The Rest of the Things

Today, I was productive. I ran, went to the store, did laundry, put up plastic sheeting on the windows, and I'm continuing my job search. I changed my cable service and broke the phone contract with Him. I felt amazing. 

And then I texted him that I broke the phone contract. And then I started crying. Because then He asked to remove the remainder of his items this week. 

And it all became so permanent. So... So....Final. 

And last weekend I missed his aunt's wedding. And this weekend is a Friendsgiving....without Him. And next week is Thanksgiving...without Him. And each of these things is another bandage ripped off. Another step toward Singlesville. I know it should feel like another step toward independence, but it feels more like a giant leap toward loneliness. 

So, once again I've entered #operationgetyourshittogether. Because every 10 years, I seem to go through a major breakup with someone I think I'm ready to marry. Okay. Maybe that's only happened twice. But I'm feeling like I'm back to square one in a lot of ways. 

I'm sick of always feeling like every few years, like I need to suck it up and re-invent myself. Power through another round of bullshit. A breakup. Wanting a new job. To head in a different career direction. It's exhausting. This concept that I need to muster a neverending supply of energy from a seemingly dry well. 

It all feels like So Much. Like all my friends have to join hands to form a net with my therapist and a helluva lot of wine so that I don't crash and burn the next three months of my post-break-up period. 

So, I'm going to apply to jobs. Work out more. Drink less wine. Watch less TV. Drink more water. Be the awesome person I am. And just try to get it together. Again. 

Always again. *le sigh*


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Morning

Well, it's Sunday morning now. I've made it not one but TWO nights being drunk without drunk-texting him. I suppose that is good, right?

The hopefulness I felt on Thursday has faded and now I am sad I wasn't with him and his family to watch his aunt and uncle tie the knot. These two people became very close to me. Somewhere between friend and family over the past three years. 

But that's what happens in a breakup. You breakup with the other person, their family, their things, the future plans that won't ever come to fruition, the everything that is them, and their life now without you. 

It's been so long that I've had to deal with this type of situation and I really thought I never would have to again. I really thought he was it for me. The end of playing the field, the ups and downs of The Game. I have nooooooooooooo interest in dating ever again right now. I just can't see it. I still see him in my head. I haven't completely severed that image of us. It's becoming images of Just Me more and more but fuuuuuuuuuuuck. This sucks. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Oh god

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. 

Been having pretty good days since I got a little pick-me-up after a decent  interview on Tuesday, but now I'm in Bloomington at Tien's, making food I wish He was here to eat, and He is in Tucson at a wedding for his aunt and now-uncle, and I wish we were together and gahhhhhhh. I miss him so much. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Ugh

If I have to explain one more time that I would have stood by Nick for a million years until he felt loved and supported but that HE did not want that any more, I think my fucking head is going to explode. 

I would have kept coming back to what he needed and wanted for ever, ignoring my needs and wants, just to have him happy and by my side. 

But that's the problem. He didn't see me by his side. So what the fuck can I do? Deal with the pain of rejection. Feel all of it with the core of my being. And walk away. 



This is where I dump my crazy.

Ok. Most of the day I've been strong, but I went on FB and looked at his pics. So I like torture? Part of me feels like I can just dump out all this emotion all at once and then I'll be over it. It doesn't work like that. Or does it?

I have no willpower. Well, two weeks of willpower. I just can't believe any of this. 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

The End of the Neverending Break-up

He hates me publicizing our private life. And I don't think this is that. These are my feelings. I'm publicizing my reaction to what's happening in my life. I still feel somewhat guilty about writing this, but I also know that blogging has helped me sort out a lot of my emotions. So here goes...

***************

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I guess? I just envisioned us being married with two kids, a couple of grand babies, and a twenty-year marriage under our belt before we did splitsville. But therein lies the issue. I say all that and he can't see past the next few days in front of him.

Despite this break-up lasting nearly a month, the bandage was officially ripped off just over a week ago. I sobbed a bit, picked myself up by my bootstraps, and planted my ass on the chair in front of my computer and started my search for a job in Seattle.

Now it's been a week, and I'm continuing to go through the range of emotions... early on grrrlpower to "I'm too awesome for this bullshit" to melancholy to outright sadness and ugly sobbing mostly now. Lots of ugly sobbing. Gut wrenching, whole-body shaking, uncontrollable sobbing where I can't catch my breath. Shower crying. Morning crying. Nighttime crying. Private tears. Public tears. FUCK IT ALL TEARS.

To add to the shitstorm that is my life, I also got written up and put on 30-day probation at work two days ago. And was sent home because I couldn't get it together. So I've spent the better part of the past three days sobbing uncontrollably. Smelling his clothes. Touching his things that will soon be whisked out of the apartment. Half wanting to be in Seattle. Mostly wanting all this to be some terrible dream. For him to come through the doors and say it was a terrible mistake and he can't be without me.

Because that's how I feel. Like in the beginning of this break-up I thought I'd be better off without him....but that was because I didn't believe we'd actually break up. I thought that we'd have a come-to-Jesus moment and we'd fix things. Because that's what a relationship is....continuing to show up to the table and saying, "I know something's wrong and I'm here to work it out because I love you, so let's work on this." Over and over again.

We've been off/on for 3 years now, and we made it a year and a half this time. This last time. Knowing everything was the last time stabs me in the gut....the last time we hugged, the last time we kissed, the last time we were intimate, I'm grieving for every last everything...every item of him that won't be in this house any more...every piece of my day that was lifted by his presence. That looked forward to his big feet at the bottom of the bed. To him reaching tall things for me. To us teasing each other. TO our mutual love for music and urban designer toys. To his naked butt walking out of the shower into the bedroom as I watched TV. To him falling asleep next to me. To him kissing me and saying, "I love you" every morning before work. Every. Morning.

Yeah, we had issues. The biggest one being what I thought was a movable mountain, but he disagreed and the mountain will not be moved. It's hard for me to admit that I always saw our future. I have wedding dresses cut out and hidden in my drawers. I had started wondering how he'd ask me to marry him. I wanted a grand profession of love, even if I knew that wasn't his way. I wanted him to suddenly understand what I meant to him, to feel it in his bones so much he couldn't contain it, and to get down on one knee and look me in the eyes and say he wanted to stand by me forever. To then profess it in front of friends and family. Or at least have a party with all of them. I just wanted a small wedding overlooking the dunes, just family, just him and me. Being madly in love and staring into each others' eyes, thinking about the adventures we'd have in the coming years. Overwhelmingly madly in love.

And he never thought about it. And when he did think about it, it was his future, and I wasn't necessarily in it.

Of all the memories of our time together, it only got really bad the past month. I was unhappy that I felt he never appreciated me. Maybe I never showed that I appreciated him. His quirks. Even the ones I thought were annoying. But I accepted them. And none of it was that bad. We could work through all of them. But not the mountain. I guess. The mountain remains unmoved.

And I fucking blame romcoms, Disney, and all the terrible movies that show a couple where one of them has a lightbulb moment and there's swirling love and fucking butterflies and all that shit. Because that doesn't happen. Not to me.

I've put together a history with videos, because fuck it. Words are hard sometimes, especially right now. Moving pictures and music just feel appropriate right now.


3/20/13



04/01/13



4/22/13




6/11/13



10/20/13



5/5/14


9/21/14




10/25/14





10/26/14




10/27/14


10/28/14




10/29/14
"Fade White" by Baths (no YouTube Vid....sorry)




10/30/14






11/1/14





I can say this for sure. I became a better person with him in my life. I became a better partner than I've ever been. I was not perfect, and I was still critical when I could have been more supportive. I'm still learning how to un-do all the fucked up stuff I saw as "partnership" from my parents' relationships. And I'll love him forever and ever, but in the end, you can't make someone feel something they don't want to feel. 

And I'll be alright. 

I'll be fine. 

I've always landed on my feet.