All Mine

I couldn't get to sleep last night, afraid I said and did the wrong things at the luncheon. Once I finally did fall asleep, I slept fantastically and woke to a beautiful morning in Seattle, the sun streaming into my windows. I've already planned a wonderful Saturday by myself.

A lazy day in my pajamas, comfy hoodie and some tea
Making myself a healthy salad for lunch
Put together IKEA furniture
move my stuff into storage so I create more space
Hang my shelves and my art
Create a nook on my balcony so I can read or enjoy some gardening
Read the work docs I need to read
Update my budgets
Close out any final ventra Chicago accounts
Drink lots of tea
Write my column about getting a job
Maybe take a long bath and read a book

Tomorrow, go hiking with friends. Restorative, active, in nature. So eager to enjoy the bounty of the Pacific northwest. (YEAH, I DID JUST USE BOUNTY IN A SENTENCE.)

A few days ago, I went on a quaint, romantic picnic at sunset. It was beautiful, and it allowed me to take in my surroundings. To re-write narratives of spaces I'd been before on previous trips, where I longed for someone to share space with me like I was now with someone else. Chris is simple and kind. He doesn't have complications in his life. We are very different people and have very different beliefs about the world. But he is a nice companion for me right now. He may not be forever, but it's nice to have someone to spend time with. To distract a broken heart. To uncomplicate things since I seek no complications, definitions, or future with anyone right now. To focus on the present and be in the moment-- with or without someone.

Because I still plan to move forward with MY plans. To seek to fulfill MY goals, with or without someone's support. That is how I will live now. For me.

And it feels refreshing, like a cool concrete balcony under toes in the morning. In a space that I've made. That, for the first moment in a long time, doesn't ache with a loneliness of "alone" but rings full with "all mine."

Week 2

It's been a while since I posted and lots of shit has changed. Basically, my whole life. 

Since I don't have Wifi yet, I'm writing this on my phone. So here's a summary:

I got offered a job at a great place, so I packed up and moved across the country. That whole five-day trip by myself (plus 3 cats) was mentally and physically exhausting. How anyone ever did it before iPhones, the Internet, and cell phones to talk to long-distance friends in New York in Chicago, I'll never know. 

Here is one of those magnificent pics: 

I never ever ever want to do it again.

Yet as of right now on week two, all I want to do is fly home with my kitties and be surrounded by my loved ones.

I started my job last week. I work for a great agency with amazing values and programs and people, who are all really nice and smart. I'm excited about a lot that I think I can bring to the table and a lot of exciting opportunities I have to grow.

The day I moved into my new place, I thought one of the movers was cute. So I was bold and asked him if he wanted my number. He did. We've gone out three times now. He survived the trip to IKEA, me getting hangry, and he actually likes my cats. There's a million red flags, but it's okay for now. I'm trying not to play a comparison game, especially since my ex and I haven't spoken or written in weeks. 

Promptly after moving (thank god to Nurse Nick), I started unpacking. And then I got sick. So, I've been sick 8/11 days. I'm tired. I'm 90% unpacked. I still don't feel settled. My stomach is still touchy and unnerved. (Unnerved? Whatever. It's topsy turvy.)

I got my first real, true pangs of homesickness today. I want to know where things are in my home, in the city I live in, feel familiarity. I wish I never took boredom for granted. Because boredom is often the same thing as stability. And I would kill for a little stability right now.

I may have also forgot to take my meds today so I'm a little moody. And yesterday was Easter and I miss my family. And my friends. And I'm just sad thinking about where I was a year ago and where I am now. 

I post the good pics. I post the happy thoughts. I don't post the frustration. The loneliness. The far-away-ness-of-everything-feeling. The want for ANYTHING that feels like home, comfort, love, knowing, confidence, and "me."

I wanted to re-define myself. To explore. To read and walk and be alone. Yet the absolute FIRST guy I met, I'm now embarking down a potentially disasterous future. So I may put on the brakes. Hit pause. We'll see. He is kind and strong and younger and messy. He is here and right now and that is fine. Bc that is as far as I can see at the moment. 

It's been a few weeks since leaving Chicago. As "up" as I was then, I am feeling that down and lonesome now. It's just a moment. A phase. It will pass. It always does. 

Besides, I have my girls, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, and I woke up this morning. I can't complain about much, really. It's just funny how crushing the feeling of EVERY possibility can feel. 

So I will start with what I know and go from there. It's always worked before. It'll work again.