Friday, January 29, 2016

Seattle's One Night Count

Tonight I'm taking part in Seattle's One Night Count of individuals and families who are homeless. For 3 hours tonight/early tomorrow, we will walk the streets and highways, underpasses, cars, tents, villages, alleys, and doorways to canvas the city and count the people living in places not recommended for human inhabitation. I'll be up til 6am, but I couldn't sleep in anticipation of tonight. Nerves wrought with a heavy heart weighted by what I'll see during tonight's activities.

To respect the privacy of residents, we are to post no information about the event until tallies are published. Last year, the count of areas included in the previous years count jumped 14%. Inclusion of two new areas increased the population count an additional 7% to show at least 10,000 individuals, including children and babies, are without permanent shelter each night.

For more information, please visit:http://www.homelessinfo.org/what_we_do/one_night_count/

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Long Time, No Write!

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote. I have been working with this concept of trying to find balance and focus by deciding what I can put on my "burners." I'm working on deciding what is a "front burner" and what is a "back burner" issue for me. 

So when you see my IG and FB life, it looks way better than reality. Hopefully people have learned that already, but if not, here's the true-true (as my friend Jon would say).

So here's so updated status on what I have on my "burners:"

Front burner #1: My Jobby Job
Work is still shitty and hard and chaotic, but I'm doing that whole "blinders" thing where I try to focus on my locus of influence and control and accept that I am in control and in charge of very little and can only posit topics to those with the power to make changes and that it's not my responsibility to fix everything. I am busting my ass to get that paper tho. I need to decide some structured ways to do so, and I need to have a lot of "come to Jesus talks" across the agency. I am not responsible for turning the tides, but I can at least be informative so others have the option about their role in turning the tides. Coded language=morale is fucked and the agency is nonprofit clusterfuckery at its finest. I don't think there's too much that isn't SNAFU'd for the industry, but I'd like us to be further advanced in our data mapping, centralization, and robust reporting. BC right now it doesn't exist and it makes it really hard for me to do my job.

Me. At the office. Every. Friday. Night.


I will say I'm trying to do better professionally through reading, attending professional development (I even presented at a conference!!!), and listening better. I'm trying to do the "step up and step back" thing but it's hard. I'm doing better at managing than I thought I would. I just need to learn to be more centered and less visibly anxious and angry. I hate being "fake" and so I struggle with wanting to be transparent, but also not perpetuating an unhealthy work environment.

I want to make an impact at my job, in my community, and grow into a leadership role by the time I'm 40. It's doable. I just have to stay focused.

Front Burner #2: Social Life and Frenz:\
Good god I don't know where I'd be without the friends I have. Both near and far, they keep me sane. From the east coast Tyler and Ashley and Anthony, from the midwest, Jamie, Kellie, Ali, Jessica, Kelli, Zac and Danny, Laurel, from the west coast, Nick and Sarah and all the new people in my life. I'm eternally grateful for everyone's friendship. Between that, therapy, and eating my feelings (a step up from drinking them), I'm surviving. (See below: health.)


If you don't know who they are, we probably can't be frenz.


I have made some awesome friends out here--Dave and Miles have been fantastic buddies who get me out and introduce me to the world; Ryan and I get to feed each other and have formed a good friendship based on a mutual love of toys and cooking, and I've got some amazing feminist, brilliant girlfriends at work, I made friends with Miles's friend Erin who's getting me to explore the parts of me that I'm nervous to explore but also excited to, and I even reached out to an old-new-again friend Tova from Valpo out here. My friends in surrounding Seattle--Cynthia and Brig's friend Angie--and I will need to plan our get-togethers in advance since Cynthia moved up north to Bellingham and Angie lives north in Lake Stevens. I still have to meet up with Nate and Jessica down south, but I haven't pushed it since they have a brand new baby and I have a lingering cold. I'm grateful for Cynthia continuing to pull me back into the poetry scene. Even if I'm always broke and apprehensive to attend. I think it'll be good for me to go and reconnect with that part of me.

I'm constantly meeting up with people, and I'm always open to meeting new people and disproving the theory behind the "Seattle freeze." 

Back Burner #3: Health 
Forewarning, expect this section to be TMI. Because that is how I roll.
Well, burners #2 and #3 may swap soon. I'm overweight and listless. I make excuses, but my lack of exercise is starting to affect even daily living. My core is weak, I'm having muscle spasms, and my restless legs is back. I've been having joint pain and weakness in my hands for a few months, so I went to the doctor. I'm going to hold out until I have another bad flare-up, and then I'll get a referral to an rheumatologist. My depression has kicked up a bit, so I'm going back on old meds and continuing my anti-depressant, and I'm likely going to a new psychiatrist soon. I'm still in therapy but I feel a bit plateaued. Like, "Well, this is it. This is your life. Decide where to put your energy because your happiness is likely to increase or decrease too much more than this." 

For a while I was also going to pelvic floor therapy (after 4 gynecologists said I should go and one actually diagnosed me with vaginismus---google it! have a laugh!), but I just can't juggle the weekly appointments. The side effects of my "condition" are a non-issue right now since I'm single. Though a stronger core may help alleviate some of the problems. In completely unrelated notes, I got new glasses and prescription sunglasses and I need to make appointments for the dentist!

Anyway, I am thinking of setting a few goals for myself this year. I'm not sure which ones yet, but these three are on the list of potentials:
1. Complete a RAGNAR relay in July from Canada to Seattle.
2. Run a half-marathon later in the year. I've been looking at the Yosemite Half in October in Cali, but it's at 5500 feet up, so I need to be able to complete 13 miles at sea level by July to start training for high altitude racing. Considering I haven't run but 10 times in the past year, that may be hard as hell.....errrr...a stretch goal.
3. Hike the Wonderland Trail. It's 93 miles and I need to attend (1) learn how to backpack and do some short hiking weekends with people before I undertake the 10-14-day hike and (2) attend some REI classes about emergency preparedness (like the ones I'm doing in February).
4. Dry January. Maybe dry 2016. Alcohol has been far too central to my way of life lately. It's not doing me any favors and only making me poor, fat, and hungover.

It smells so goddamn good out here.


I need to get back in shape and get back to training. Once this cold is gone (maybe even tomorrow), I'm getting back into it. No more excuses. I'm tired of buying bigger and bigger pants! (And my therapist is likely tired of me saying that my weight is why I'm unlovable.)

Back Burner #4: MONIES
I'm going to keep a budget. I'm going to stop living off my credit cards. I'm going to pay down my debt. My mother is helping me pay for my new car. I'm 35. I have $20 til February. This isn't how I imagined my life would go, but here I am. So, time to get real and buckle down. I can NOT keep overdrafting my account. It's seriously ridiculous. I have a masters. I'm in charge of fundraising and understanding budgeting and financial allocations at my job. I need to apply my knowledge to my personal life. Which means self-restraint in a lot of areas. So here we go.

Got paid on the 7th. Overdrafted on the 8th. 


Back Burner #5: Dating 
Before I moved out here, I went out with Travis and his fiancee in Chicago. His fiancee said she had a friend out here (who I subsequently met up with but was underwhelmed with her attitude). Anyway, this friend said, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." So, yes, there are a lot of straight, single men and there are a lot of lesbians. From what I can tell, most of the people I've met up with on dates have been socially awkward. Like, EVERY SOCIALLY AWKWARD PERSON moved to Seattle. Most everyone I've been out with is okay with casual sex, but I'm just not. I really thought I'd be out here going to orgies and exploring a more free sexual side to myself, but I recently came to the conclusion that I'm no longer the person I was in my 20s who could take a rando home from the bar. After this past relationship, I told my ex that I wasn't sure I wanted to sleep with anyone else ever again. Which was pretty much true. The difference is I don't want to sleep with anyone else I don't love ever again. I have no interest in casual hook-ups. I want deep companionship and love at this point in my life. 

20-year-old Kerry would swoon over this guy.  "He's so edgy."
30-year-old Kerry would nervously giggle. "That's....awkward."
35-year-old Kerry actually gets up and leaves the date. "#GURLBYE"

For a while I was going on like 5 dates a week, and it was exhausting. I just kept having the same "here's my life story, what's yours, you're great but not for me" situation happening. I've made a few friends out of people I went on dates with, and I'm still talking with one person who lives far away but travels to Seattle once a month, but I just don't have the patience or mental capacity to deal with rapid-fire dating like that. I just don't have the want to go out with people who just want a quick fuck or lack commonality with me. I've thought about joining a more "serious" dating site, but fuck. I only have so many burners I can keep burning, and while I realize being 35 and wanting kids puts a time stamp on things, I also see how that ruined my last relationship. So, I need to chill a bit. I just haven't connected with anyone that well either. I've never been so disenchanted with dating or relationships as I am now. I just kind of accept that there's a high probability that I'm going to live my life as the cool aunt. And that's okay. Even if I do want to adopt a little girl and a gay teen. (Yeah. I'm pretty specific.) I know my income can't support that right now.

Other Shiz: 
I've omitted my family from this post, not because I don't love them, but they aren't central to my life at this time. I've grown to love them in a different way being this far away from them. I'm more patient with them, and sometimes we talk. There's usually so much unhappiness that each member of my family is dealing with, and going back home was no different. I just want us to all learn how not to be the worst of our parents. I want us to be the best of ourselves and the bad habits we inherited from our parents that we continue to reinforce are holding us back. When I say "us" I mean my siblings and me. It's "interesting" that my sisters and I are all smart, independent, single women. I am the only non-parent in my family. We all live vicariously through each other's lives and that's not healthy either.

This post was long and rambly. So if you're not asleep already, go to bed. Or as Tracy used to say....