The Hips of Death

If you're a woman (yes, this is gender specific), most likely you have weak hips (including the gluteus medius muscle). Why? I have no idea. Maybe the birthin' hips make us less able to strengthen the glute med (pronounced 'gloot mead')?

Where's that? That's what I call your "side butt." If you need a visual, here you go:

You want the left side (A). You don't want the right side (B).

Of course, I look like the right side. Wamp wamp.

When working that muscle out, I usually feel it a little further down my leg.

If you feel any of these exercises in the front of your hip, try rotating your body toward the table or adjusting your legs so you have more butt and less hip work.

Nonetheless, if you're having knee pain after or during running, go see a doctor. If you've already been diagnosed with Iliotibial band syndrome (like me), here's the Hips of Death. I'll post pictures some day, but I'm lazy (from running 4 miles) and the pics are in the other room, so here's the breakdown.

1. Leg Lifts
Lying on your side (like this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7y_TnADXS4), dip your top leg's toe behind the heel of the bottom foot (on the table). Keep your body in one line (except for the top leg which is slightly behind your bottom leg). I feel it more if I roll slightly toward the table. Lift and lower 30 times. Feel it in your gluteus medius.

2. Books
Then, move your bottom leg so it's perpendicular to your hip, and lift the top leg like you're opening a book (or peeing on a fire hydrant while lying down). Do 30.

3. Flying Clams
Then do "flying clams" like this but your ankles are in the air.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJLFyIi5eqc

4. Wave 1
Then do the "wave" where you take your top leg up to "book" position, but you break that into a few steps. You'll have to keep thinking "Ankle up, Knee up, Ankle down, Knee down" until you hate yourself for having to recite that else you easily fuck up such a simple task. Nonetheless, do 30.

5. Wave 2
Then reverse your "wave" (Knee up, Ankle up, Knee down, Ankle down). Do 30.

Right about now, you're wondering why you're in so much pain. You may be whimpering. But don't worry. We're almost done....with this side.

6. Extended Leg Lift
Then extend your top leg straight out from the hip (comfortably). Keep the leg on the table in a 90-degree angle. Lift your entire leg up about 6-10" and down 30 times.

7. Extended Leg Circles
Then, keeping the leg extended, circle your leg 8 times one direction in small circles (about 5-6" diameter), and 7 times in the opposite direction. Repeat twice.

FLIP OVER AND CRY AS YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THIS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Perhaps I'll write about Those Fucking Cone Dips are some day, but for now, I'll leave you with the one exercise that kicks my ass...literally, the gluteus medius is one of the three main muscles that make up your butt.

Enjoy!