Working Out Sucks. Training Doesn't.

Today, for the first time since September, I ran "pretty far." "Pretty far" to me is more than a 5K. Today I did 4 miles. Which would be a triumph all in its own, but add to that that I had NO pain in my knee. Which is pretty rad and means that my PT is working and I should keep doing what I've been doing. Including those fucking Hips of Death that are yet another layer of hell-on-earth I've discovered.

Seriously. That's the name of them. I will post about those later. And Those Fucking Cones. And That Fucking Bridge Thingie Move. And The Fucking Football Player Side Steps. (These are MY names for the moves, but there's obviously more professional ones my physical therapist posts.)

All this is to say, I'm working out and hating it. And loving it. Well, not really. I'm starting to train for a shit-ton of races this year, but I'm not at the "I worked it today at the gym and I'm super stoked!!!"

Nope. Not even close. I'm still in the "Fuck, I feel like I'm dying and maybe people are starting to stare because I'm so red and sweaty, but how the fuck did I do this last year? Am I dead? Did I actually die and I just don't know it?" And then I get a good song on, and I'm all, "You're a fighter! You can do this! 6.3 mph! Wooho......fuck. Slow down. You are NOT superwoman. FUCK FUCK FUCK. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SURVIVE THROUGH THE SUMMER."

I don't know where I got the fighter mentality last year, but I need it to come back from vacation.

I'm pretty sure it's down in Mexico drinking a margarita while I'm up here suffering through hours on the treadmill, aka, THE WORST.

I would rather drink my own urine at this point than try and do long runs on a treadmill. And I clearly have a few more months of indoor running to suffer through before I get to run outside. Though, once there's no snow, I AM RUNNING OUTSIDE.

Because running on a treadmill is like there's a marionette puppet person holding you hostage to a certain speed and you have to make all these beepy noises while flailing aboot because you can't get the fecking thing to slow down fast enough AND DEAR GOD I ALMOST JUST DIED BECAUSE THE EDGE OF MY FOOT CAUGHT THE PART OF THE TREADMILL THAT DOESN'T MOVE.

When, if you're outside, you just STOP RUNNING THAT FAST.

I injured myself during my half-marathon last year at mile 11 but I refused to give up because (1) At the time, I was all, "Girl, you got this! You're a FIGHTER! You can...OWWWW. WHAT WAS THAT SNAP IN MY KNEE?!?!" Oh well. Just keep lopping along." and (2) I WAS FUCKING DUMB. 

Since then, I'm overly cautious about doing that again. SOooooooo that fighter mentality has left the building. In order for me to do all these races this year, it needs to come back from somewhere. This song helps. SERIOUSLY. (Though the video is fucking weird.)

I'm working on baby steps toward that place and something I find helps me is thinking about "training" versus "working out." If I'm training, I'm working toward a goal. There's some specific thing I'm pushing myself toward. If I'm just working out for health in general, I'm liable to walk for 30 minutes while watching "Big Bang Theory" (hint: this happened on Thursday).

"Training" may have a bit of of a bad "I'm an overachiever" vibe to it, but I like to think of myself as a badass, so maybe that's why I like it. I'm working on being confident without being cocky. I'm getting back to that place where I really like The Sweat. And The Post-Workout Soak in Epsom Salts. Or The Post-Workout Extra-Hot Shower. Eventually, I'll get back to where I'm geeked about running 6-8 miles and don't mind my half-naked body jiggling in public as I fling sweat down my salt-caked arms and off my soggy fingertips. (Yeah, that was me last August as I trained for the Half in September.)

Now, I have a half in June. Which means in February that I should be where I was in May last year. So, I have a ways to go.

Until then, here are some things that, although some are terrible in the moment, they have long-lasting positive changes on my body. They are things for which I'm strangely grateful. They are making things (my body) stronger, and for that I am proud and happy. If I can stick to focusing on the strength and knowing that there will be minor setbacks, I'll be good.

Also, if I can just remember to do this whole "daily gratitude" thing more frequently than once every three weeks....again. BABY STEPS.

25. Hips of Death
26. Those Fucking Cone Dips
27. The ability to change
28. The ability to get stronger
29. Daft Punk's early work
30. Earbuds that don't fall out
31. A boyfriend who let me sleep in today while he unloaded the dishes and did work around the house...fairly silently
32. Back-up drives


Also, any songs that make you stronger, feel free to share!