Morning Ritual (aka, Daily Affirmation I Suck At Being a Human)

Every day I am tested. And some days this comes in the form of a cranky coworker. Most days this comes in the form of shitty drivers. But nearly every day this is a simple test conducted in the first hour of my morning.

This is the bagel test.



This tests how capable I, a human 33 years-old, who has been making bagels in the broiler for nearly a year now since my toaster crapped out, can toast a bagel without scorching it to high holy heaven.

And nearly 70% of the time I fail. 

Stages of Bagelness in this household:
1. BURNED TO SHIT, YOU MORON.
2. Get a new one. Try again, idiot.
3. WINNING AT AT LEAST ONE THING IN LIFE. Losing at all the rest. 

The game is simple. Turn on broiler. Cut a bagel. Put bagel in pan in broiler. Wait 2 minutes. Pull lightly toasted bagel out. Slather cream cheese. Eat.

In reality, this is how it goes: Turn on broiler. Search for clean knife. Rummage for appropriate knife so-as not to slice one's hand in half. Decide to rinse dirty knife off. Pray boyfriend doesn't find out how disgusting I am. Cut bagel. Look for pan to put bagel in. Pan is also dirty. Open hot broiler, pull out shelf, place bagel directly on broiler. Push shelf back in. TRY TO STAND THERE FOR TWO MINUTES, ASSHOLE. Oh, wait, I need to look at puppies/kitties/check my facebook/gmail/tumblr/mail/find a cure for cancer....FIVE MINUTES HAVE PASSED. Run to broiler, open broiler, burning finger, pull out two lumps of coal you've actually created. Get knife, attempt to scrape off black bits. Say fuck'it. Get new bagel. This time, repeat but stand by broiler and check every 10 seconds. Decide to eat under-toasted bagel. Slather with too much or too little cream cheese because I'm overly excited to have cream cheese and/or have run out of cream cheese. Eat bagel feeling sense of uselessness and/or incapability to be a human who understands the concept of time,

"Set a timer!" you say, oh foolish one. But that would be too easy. Where is the risk and the "life on the edge" of that one?

"Check on it!" you say. But that's hard to do when you suddenly remember that you have to search the interwebs and get sucked down a rabbit hole.

I mean, this is not rocket science. In fact, they should have astronauts do this test, to see if they understand the concept of time.

I'M THIRTY THREE. HOW CAN I STILL NOT COMPREHEND WHAT THE LENGTH OF TWO MINUTES FEELS LIKE.

Also, the bagel to cream cheese ratio. I'm not talking ON the bagel. Everyone knows there needs to be slathering happening and if you aren't SLATHERING that shit on top, then you're failing at this test once again. 

I'm talking about the bagels purchased to cream cheese purchased ratio. Why can't I ever get this right either? Thirteen bagels = Two cream cheeses? Three? Small tubs or large?

There are probably 3 more bagels left in the fridge and I just used the last of the cream cheese.

Doesn't matter. There will always be two bagels left and no more cream cheese.

So then I buy more cream cheese. And then I have to buy more bagels.

It's a vicious loop. Do they do this on purpose? Just like those damn hot dog and bun guys? I'm certain it's a conspiracy to keep the purchasing loop going.

Well, I'm off to eat my scorched crater of a bagel, shellacked in the last of the cream cheese. 

Don't worry, there's another bagel in the fridge. SIGH.