Too. Real?

Ask Polly: How Do I Move on From The One

Now, when my friend sent this to me, I knew it struck a chord with me for many reasons, but I also know that my ex was never quite as cruel as the man in the story. He never SAID that he didn't need me, he just acted that way. And we loved each other deeply, or so I thought. But the not putting me as a priority, the interference of his always-a-priority job in our lives, it seemed there was far too often an excuse not to put me first. And I'm not saying always, but even sometimes--like important dates. He often did take me out when we agreed upon it on the weekends, or when I demanded so. Example: for birthdays and holidays he felt were mass marketing by the public, and I agreed, but I still wanted to be celebrated for fuck's sake.

I completely realize I regret never having thanked him for working the long hours to support us the way he did. I should have been more grateful. It's an excuse, but I felt like because he didn't celebrate me I wasn't outwardly thankful of him. Excuses hurled back and forth but never an actual fucking conversation between us....

But the main thing that gets me about this article is the way that the woman naturally loves and how foreign this was to her partner, and how similar this felt like my situation. For a good long while we were in love. And he said so. And I deepened my love for him. I started putting more eggs in this basket marked "forever." Then, I started forgetting about any other person I've ever loved until there was just Him and One Basket of Forever. But somewhere along the way, me and the relationship became a burden to him. 

The responsibility of everything about Us weighed on him like a lead jacket. I see relationships completely differently--as evidence proving my worth as a reliable, lovable person. So this and other relationships he has stress him out, create a sense of Always Needing. I feel a bit like my award for remaining loyal and committed and for trying to envision a future for us was a burden to him, and I just and still don't understand. The future excites me. Making plans, fulfilling dreams. Thinking about where I want to go and who I want to be, and breaking down the steps of how to get there. It always scared him.

So we broke up. He walked away. And now I'm moving across the country because being in the same city as him without being with him kills me. Every. Single. Day. I'm afraid I'm going to run into him on a date or with a new girlfriend and the last bit of me will be crushed. 

So....Seattle it is. March 27 I set sail across the Great Plains and mountains. I've never been to the states I'll drive through, so it IS pretty exciting.

But not speaking for nearly a month and thinking that my last words to him were harsh, is torture. I would still be willing to work through things. I still want him to move to Seattle with me. I still want him. I can't look at other people sexually. I can't even imagine being physical with someone. Or flirting. I flirted once with a guy at a bar and felt ashamed and grossed out by it as soon as I got home. Like I was cheating. Because in my mind, it IS cheating because my goddamn mind hasn't accepted that he and I aren't together anymore.

Hence the dream last night where I went postal that he was on Tinder.
Hence the dream the night before where I caught him on a date with this girl I knew in high school.
Hence the dream the night two nights before where I was in his house with his new wife and needed to just leave but was trapped somehow.

So I resist writing, "Come with me to Seattle" and hitting send.

Fucking break-ups. AMIRITE?!?!

Some days I've gone as long as 6 hours without imagining the life we'll never lead together. So I try to put my energy into things I have control over. (My therapist tells me this is good.) I put my energy into finding and applying to jobs in Seattle. I put my energy into getting rid of everything that won't fit into a teeny studio. I call my landlord to cancel my lease. I donate all the stupid things I bought to make me feel okay and loved and worthy. Because I'm American. Because I'm my mother's daughter. because I need to re-define myself. Because I need to re-design my future. Because so much of it has walked away.