I can barely go a whole hour, let alone a whole day without thinking of Him. Night time is the worst. Which is why I drink. Because drinking + TV = numb. I've barely been able to do more than shower, work, couch, drink lately. But I need to get it together. I doubt he's wasting time thinking of me. And I need to put my energy into some good.
Thank god I have Tori, Ani, PJ, and Alanis to help me through this. And the Cure. And Dashboard Confessional. And every other terrible album that helps me loathe everything. I mean, fuck I listened to Sheryl Crow. TWO ENTIRE SHERYL CROW ALBUMS.
It's gotten bad. I've been listening to pop. FUCKING POP.
Ed Sheehan. That ginger fuck.
Sam Smith. ALL OF HIM.
Tove Lo. Lots of her shit.
And a bunch of really depressing emo shit.
Baths.
Banks.
I've been branching out and looking at new groups. Mostly because entire swaths of music I once enjoyed has been tainted by shows we went to together. Joy Formidable, MS MR, Phantogram, Amon Tobin, Deadmau5. Then all the music he introduced to me. Ulrich Schnauss. The Radio Department. Tycho. Goddamn Boards of Canada.
But for fuck's sake. I need to go to the gym. Stop treating my body like a goddamn garbage can. Cut back on the drinking. Focus on applying to jobs and less about purging everything I own. If it comes down to it, I'll just throw everything I don't want to move out in the alley.
I've felt pretty dejected lately. I keep getting rejection e-mails. I also got an interview and a compliment at work, but it's hard for me to focus on the good right now. I just need to put my head down and focus. I just wish there was a way to cut out the part of me that has emotions.
Until I can do that, I'll just have to focus on accepting that I need to work on myself. Alone. Myself. What I want to do. Alone.
I've scraped my shit together before. I've made it through other break-ups. I'll make it through this one too. Again.
*sigh*
Time to work on job apps. Put some good into today so it's not all a waste. So I don't waste what time I have left on a Sunday. And so I don't feel like such a waste myself.
It's gotten bad. I've been listening to pop. FUCKING POP.
Ed Sheehan. That ginger fuck.
Sam Smith. ALL OF HIM.
Tove Lo. Lots of her shit.
And a bunch of really depressing emo shit.
Baths.
Banks.
I've been branching out and looking at new groups. Mostly because entire swaths of music I once enjoyed has been tainted by shows we went to together. Joy Formidable, MS MR, Phantogram, Amon Tobin, Deadmau5. Then all the music he introduced to me. Ulrich Schnauss. The Radio Department. Tycho. Goddamn Boards of Canada.
But for fuck's sake. I need to go to the gym. Stop treating my body like a goddamn garbage can. Cut back on the drinking. Focus on applying to jobs and less about purging everything I own. If it comes down to it, I'll just throw everything I don't want to move out in the alley.
I've felt pretty dejected lately. I keep getting rejection e-mails. I also got an interview and a compliment at work, but it's hard for me to focus on the good right now. I just need to put my head down and focus. I just wish there was a way to cut out the part of me that has emotions.
Until I can do that, I'll just have to focus on accepting that I need to work on myself. Alone. Myself. What I want to do. Alone.
I've scraped my shit together before. I've made it through other break-ups. I'll make it through this one too. Again.
*sigh*
Time to work on job apps. Put some good into today so it's not all a waste. So I don't waste what time I have left on a Sunday. And so I don't feel like such a waste myself.
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