Four months

I've been single now four months. I leave Chicago in less than one month--23 days probably. No job, as of yet. No place to stay, as of yet. But prospects (I was just approved for a great short-term lease on a studio, so once they have their money, it's mine).

But I've been stress crying from exhaustion and waves of emotion. 

And still breakup songs. Return to me songs. Lines of poems I'll never write down. 

Slowly creeping out of "barely functioning but putting on a game face" and into "holding onto as much stability as I can muster for short periods of time."

The Adventure Westward is nerve-wrecking. Everyone keeps asking if it's exciting. That is a rare and fleeting feeling. It's more anxiety-inducing. Doubt-forming. Self-reliance-challenging. Depression-agitating. Eventually I'll build my courage and confidence from this. Just....not yet. 

I really appreciate everyone's encouragement and support, but it's like they believe in me more than I believe in myself. Maybe that's the thing. Where egotistical people believe more in themselves than others believe in them.

But humble people believe in themselves less than others do.

So my nerves are raw. Once I get an apartment or once I get a job, I'll be immensely relieved. Until then, I'm wearing my night guard each night and drinking LOTS of coffee. 

Anyway, I haven't been working out. I haven't been sleeping well. I have been working 10-hr days. I'm packing, loading up, doing what I can, still purging all during he weekend. All those things. I hope to get a lot done this weekend and next. 

Next weekend I lose my furniture--selling them to a friend. Which will be totally strange. Not having a squishy place to lay down when I get home. This selling of furture has been the plan the whole time, but having an empty living room is gonna be weird. I sold so much furniture, but I'm glad bc there's likely no room in the new place. 

I have so much to do in the next few weeks, I just hope coffee will pull me through! 

I have waves of "it'll be alright" and then waves of sadness that I'm doing this "alone." But I'm learning to accept he's never going to call or write me. 

For whatever reasons he has. Losing my best friend in the breakup has been hard for me. I just hope moving to Seattle to start fresh is the right move. Because I don't think I could handle staying here and running into him. 

My friend made me promise that I wasn't just running away to Seattle to get away from my ex. I'm not. I'm running there to start a new life, to be closer to stire, to figure out if what I think I need and want are one and the same. 

I want to hike. ACTUAL HIKING TRAILS. And run around a lake with a path. And eat fresh fish and get used to new surroundings. I want to be the person I've always been jealous of. 

And if I become the woman I've always wanted to be, that means fostering in a few years and adopting in a few more. Hiking. Fresh food. Better winters. A new job path. A little girl before I'm 40. Maybe a tiny house in a few years with a large garden and chairs to read. And a kitchen with space to feed my friends. 

Nothing flashy. Just right.