All Mine

I couldn't get to sleep last night, afraid I said and did the wrong things at the luncheon. Once I finally did fall asleep, I slept fantastically and woke to a beautiful morning in Seattle, the sun streaming into my windows. I've already planned a wonderful Saturday by myself.

A lazy day in my pajamas, comfy hoodie and some tea
Making myself a healthy salad for lunch
Put together IKEA furniture
move my stuff into storage so I create more space
Hang my shelves and my art
Create a nook on my balcony so I can read or enjoy some gardening
Read the work docs I need to read
Update my budgets
Close out any final ventra Chicago accounts
Drink lots of tea
Write my column about getting a job
Maybe take a long bath and read a book

Tomorrow, go hiking with friends. Restorative, active, in nature. So eager to enjoy the bounty of the Pacific northwest. (YEAH, I DID JUST USE BOUNTY IN A SENTENCE.)

A few days ago, I went on a quaint, romantic picnic at sunset. It was beautiful, and it allowed me to take in my surroundings. To re-write narratives of spaces I'd been before on previous trips, where I longed for someone to share space with me like I was now with someone else. Chris is simple and kind. He doesn't have complications in his life. We are very different people and have very different beliefs about the world. But he is a nice companion for me right now. He may not be forever, but it's nice to have someone to spend time with. To distract a broken heart. To uncomplicate things since I seek no complications, definitions, or future with anyone right now. To focus on the present and be in the moment-- with or without someone.

Because I still plan to move forward with MY plans. To seek to fulfill MY goals, with or without someone's support. That is how I will live now. For me.

And it feels refreshing, like a cool concrete balcony under toes in the morning. In a space that I've made. That, for the first moment in a long time, doesn't ache with a loneliness of "alone" but rings full with "all mine."