IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

I went to the gym last night for an hour and a half and could have stayed another half hour. I forgot how nice it is to work out and sweat....and I mean, reeeeeeeeeeeeally sweat.

After seeing more pictures of me running, it's painfully obvious that I need to lose 20 lbs. I'm over seeing pictures of me where I'm disgusted with myself. I know I'm stronger than I was before I started on my healthy journey, and it wasn't ever REALLY about being skinny, but heeeeyyyylllll. Yeah yeah and I have curves (or curve...whatever), but I don't understand how this body of mine is mine some days.

I'm bored-hungry all the time. I need more protein, but protein requires effort! And I'm barely able to cook for myself without crying bc I have to eat alone.

So more working out and eating soup and veggies and coffee and less cheese and wine and Triscuits. It usually helps me sleep better, but not last night...

Intermission: had a nightmare last night that my favorite cat fell a few flights and broke her legs and was lying there in pain and the 911-for-animals-phone-line wasn't working and no one would let me take her to the doctor (they started swarming me as I was hysterically crying), and I was trapped inside a Republican Embassy and couldn't find my way out to take her to the vet.

Then I woke up to "someone" 🐈having puked in my bed. And a -$230 bank account. And no Nick. And I just kinda want to die.

I emptied my change bowl that Nick and I filled up for a "trip somewhere in Europe in two years" so that I could go buy Zyrtec and fill up my car. Because literally pouring out my dreams of a European pub tour with my love to replace them with the necessity of over-the-counter medications and some stupid dinosaur juice to fill my stupid car so I can drive to my stupid job so I can make money to buy stupid things so I don't feel lonely---yes, that was totally on my list of SHIT I NEVER WANT TO DO.

Every morning I wake up and he's not here is this....over and over again. In tiny incremental heart-ripping-out moments. Like slivers of splinters burrowing under your skin one second at a time. Just waiting until I snap.

Life will get better. It has to. One day, I won't start crying driving home to an empty house. One day, this whole three years will feel like a blip in my life. And all this is but a scratch, a scratch.

IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS. IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS. IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS.

Just need to focus my energies back on the areas it will pay the most dividends. Night y'all!