AD FAIL.

Maybe I was too preoccupied by what I thought was domestic bliss to notice how fucking annoying commercials around the holidays are. Because Single-and-Hating-It Kerry is New York pissed.

Can I pleeeeeeeeeeeeease watch a few episodes of New Girl and Mindy Project without seeing 14 engagement commercials? All these ads for Zales and Fey and Jarod and stupid jewelry stores just makes me wanna puke. 

I get it. I wanted a ring. Real bad. But it could have been a lunk of plastic for all I gave a shit. It wasn't the material of the ring that mattered, but the the concept behind it. You know, the whole infinity and beyond bullshit that I gobbled up. 

Of course, it appears I was the only one hungry for such a feast...at least in my relationship. But maybe there's thousands of men watching these shows with their girlfriends when the gf sees the ad, gets that glimmer in her eyes, and turns to them and gets all, "Teeeheeee!!!! I wonder if he's gonna get me a ring for Christmas?!?!" And maybe those dudes don't recoil in horror. 

Maybe I was that blissfully dumb as in love. I mean, I know I was. Now I'm gritting my teeth through stories of shiny new happy couples and seeing hand-holding strangers on the street. The only thing that makes me not run them over with my car in a rage is knowing that I was that shit-eating-happy a little bit ago, and maybe they'll be crushed like I am in a few months.

Yes. I AM THAT BITTER.

Also, the Great Pumpkin, aka the Toaster, aka my orange Element needs to get me out west and I have no money for jail or tickets or deductibles. Happy little thoughts. 

Now I'm trying to focus my efforts elsewhere and do that whole "put it out to the universe and see what happens" shit. I've told friends, family, coworkers, and now bosses that I'm moving to Seattle as soon as I get offered a job. Just like the more people I told about my half-marathon and triathlon, the more I realized I couldn't back out. 

I guess that means I'm gonna make this happen. I'm going to get a job, get rid of all the shit I've wasted my money on over the past 10 years, and move me and my three cats to a studio in Seattle. Work a couple jobs. Save money. Save the world through my ability to write instructions and manage documents. And save hella money and adopt a baby.

Well, not for at least five years. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive years of living in a studio with three cats. THREEEEEEE CAAAAAATS. 🐈🐈🐈 if that's not sacrifice for love, I don't know what is. And I don't even have the kid yet. It's probably not even a twinkle in someone's eye yet! Anyway....

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who made plans--who could be more whimsical and live in the moment. Who didn't spend hours upon hours daydreaming about my future. But if I don't plan, then I won't do. And with my history of depression, I've found that keeping moving helps me not get "stuck." I have to commit to something, make it public, and then I'll do it. 

But Ihaven't had such good luck following through with getting married and growing my family (okay 1-2 kids would be enough). Namely because most of my plans relied on someone else, and I had such clear fantastic visions of a future that I somehow forget to confirm with the other party. Everything I want to do that is solely reliant on my I do. My friend pointed out I have grit, and I am (after 22 years of therapy) starting to believe it. Starting to believe I'm pretty fucking cool. 

But I still ignored warning signs and was wrecked by this break-up. I hate feeling foolish and off-base. Like I completely missed something. I knew things weren't great, but I thought it was a phase, a hiccup, a rough patch. I thought we'd talk through things, and keep hanging on until the dust settled again. Relationships are work, and I just thought we'd exited the hone mood period and finally got to the meat of digging deep and sorting through our feelings. Being truly honest about our feelings and doing the real work that ties people together. 

I've spent the better part of the past three years making plans for Our Future, and I just a feel like a traitor to my own thoughts, to my own plans now that they don't have Him in them. I guess this'll take some getting used to again. Planning for Myself instead of Us. 

At least I know I can count on myself to come through in the clutch.