The Rest of the Things

Today, I was productive. I ran, went to the store, did laundry, put up plastic sheeting on the windows, and I'm continuing my job search. I changed my cable service and broke the phone contract with Him. I felt amazing. 

And then I texted him that I broke the phone contract. And then I started crying. Because then He asked to remove the remainder of his items this week. 

And it all became so permanent. So... So....Final. 

And last weekend I missed his aunt's wedding. And this weekend is a Friendsgiving....without Him. And next week is Thanksgiving...without Him. And each of these things is another bandage ripped off. Another step toward Singlesville. I know it should feel like another step toward independence, but it feels more like a giant leap toward loneliness. 

So, once again I've entered #operationgetyourshittogether. Because every 10 years, I seem to go through a major breakup with someone I think I'm ready to marry. Okay. Maybe that's only happened twice. But I'm feeling like I'm back to square one in a lot of ways. 

I'm sick of always feeling like every few years, like I need to suck it up and re-invent myself. Power through another round of bullshit. A breakup. Wanting a new job. To head in a different career direction. It's exhausting. This concept that I need to muster a neverending supply of energy from a seemingly dry well. 

It all feels like So Much. Like all my friends have to join hands to form a net with my therapist and a helluva lot of wine so that I don't crash and burn the next three months of my post-break-up period. 

So, I'm going to apply to jobs. Work out more. Drink less wine. Watch less TV. Drink more water. Be the awesome person I am. And just try to get it together. Again. 

Always again. *le sigh*